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Bob C. – How many vegans does it take to change a lightbulb? Two, one to change it and one to check for animal ingredients.
Told by an omnivore friend with intent to anger – How many vegans does it take to change a lightbulb? None, vegans can’t change anything.
Bianca & Jade – How many meat eaters does it take to change a lightbulb? None, they would rather stay in the dark about things.
Amanda – Why did the chicken cross the road? Because Colonel Sanders was chasing him.
SchneidersWhy did the vegetarian cross the road? Because she was protesting for the chicken, MAN! (Pump fist in air for emphasis) [This one did make me chuckle for some reason.]
Why did the tofu cross the road?To prove he wasn’t chicken.
The parrot joke – A man had a parrot that could talk. Unfortunately, it swore a lot. In an effort to get the parrot to be quiet, he put him in a cupboard. The parrot continued swearing and after a while the man decided to put the bird in the freezer. After that, the parrot started swearing even more. After a few minutes, he suddenly became quiet. The man opened up the freezer and the parrot said, “I’m sorry, sir, it will never happen again.” As the man took the bird out of the freezer he wondered what the difference was between the cupboard and the freezer. Just then, the parrot said, “So, uh, what’d the chicken do?”
On Being Vegan
Inspired by Paul WS – Why does vegan cheese taste bad? It hasn’t been tested on mice.
Pat – What do you call a militant vegan? Lactose intolerant.
Michael Cant -What’s the best way to keep milk fresh?Leave it in the cow.
Dada Unmantrananda – Why don’t yogis eat chickens? They have eggs in them!
Colleen’s roomate at school made this joke up herself – What do you call a vegetarian who goes back to eating meat? Someone who lost their veg-inity!
Inspired by Wastel a meat eater – Did you hear about the new study saying vegans are more likely to go blind? I guess it’s because you don’t get the proper nutrition. Vegan: Nah, it’s just from reading all of those tiny ingredients lists.
Nina – I’m not vegetarian because I love animals, I’m vegetarian because I don’t like vegetables.
Linda: – Do you know what veganism is? Jeff: No, tell me. Linda: It means no eggs and no milk! Jeff: Hmm, but how do you bread your steak?
H.Ko.Kent: Tell me, how do you spice your veggie-burgers? Linda: I don’t know, but the main thing is that it mustn’t taste good!
What did one vegetarian spy say to the other vegetarian spy?We have to stop meating like this.
Scott- Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
vegemike -I don’t know about these people who call themselves vegetarians but eat eggs and dairy. I mean, I’ve heard of eggplants, but there no such thing as a cheesetree.
Tom responds:What about milkweed?
Tom responds:What about milkweed?
A Seinfeldism pointed out by Peter B. – Isn’t it wierd that we drink milk, stuff designed to nourish baby cows? How did that happen? Did some cattleman once say, “Oh, man, I can’t wait till them calves are done so I can get me a hit of that stuff.”
Melanie – A guy has celery sticking out of one ear, lettuce out of the other, and a zucchini up his nose.He goes to the doctor and asks him what’s wrong.The doctor tells him, “Well, for one thing, you’re not eating right.”
Jules(paraphrased from a very old “Reader’s Digest”) – A couple heard that their vegetarian son was coming home from university for Thanksgiving.”Kill the fatted zucchini, Martha! Our prodigal son is returning.”
On Eating People
Cleveland AmoryA missionary was walking in Africa when he heard the ominous sound of a lion behind him. “Oh Lord,” prayed the missionary, “Grant in Thy goodness that the lion walking behind me is a good Christian lion.” And then, in the silence that followed, the missionary heard the lion praying too: “Oh Lord,” he prayed, “We thank Thee for the food which we are about to receive.”
Seen on a message board – I follow a strict vegan diet. I eat only vegans.
Amy W. – Do you serve vegans here? Of course, how would you like them cooked? (This actually happened when my dad called a restaurant.)
Etan W. – Two chums were talking at a ballgame and one offered to buy the other a hotdog. “No thanks,” came the answer. “I’m a vegetarian. I mean, I’ll eat a little white meat, but…” “Oh, I understand. Hey, I’m no cannibal. I mean, I’ll eat a few white people, but…”
If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat?
A bumper sticker – 9 out of 10 cannibals agree–vegetarians taste better!
Yaron Livne from Israel- A vegetarian, a meat-eater, and a cannibal walk into a bar, the veg’ orders a salad, the other orders a burger, than the bartender asks the cannibal “anything for you?”, so he replies, “no thanks, i’ll wait till they’re done.”
Restaurants Beef Up Vegetarian Menus (Wall Street Journal 91.10.15, p.B1)
Will McDonald’s Beef Up Menu with Veggie Burger? (Boston Globe, 98.10.6, D1)
Beans Beef Up Vegetarian Meal (Boston Herald 94.2.9, p.57)